When I Grow Up
At what point are we so grown up that this question becomes irrelevant? Sometimes I wish someone would ask me again. Or that I could go back to that time when anything seemed possible. Because I had lots of answers back then. Or maybe I just wish I could be like those people who’ve always known exactly what they’ve wanted to do. Either way, I’ll tell you this, I certainly never imagined I’d end up as a technical writer/web developer.
Originally I wanted to be an archeologist. Ahh, the mystery of my love for all three the first two The Mummy movies solved! But seriously? Indiana Jones is to thank for this career choice. Hell, he even gets credit for my love of history. However, with archaeology comes dirt and bugs. I could probably deal with the dirt part, but the bugs? Yeah, no thanks. (Bugs! Why’d it have to be bugs?!) I’ll leave the crawling around sifting through mounds of dirt to people who aren’t quite as entomophobic as I.
Then came the stars. How much cooler would I be if I were an astronomer? Infinitely. Alas… Actually, I don’t really know why I let this one go. My fascination with the black space around us and all it holds is just as strong today as it was twenty years ago. Maybe it was a couple of bad math years? I was totally obsessed with science as a kid but not so great at the math part. Add a couple of ineffectual math teachers to that and I gave up hope on any profession that involved doing anything mathematically. I did take an Astronomy class in college, though! Loved it. If only Orlando had a better selection of planetariums.
And I’m sure it won’t surprise many of you to hear I had an omnipresent desire to be a book editor. Oh, I bet you thought I was going to say writer, huh? But I didn’t think I’d cut it as a writer. You know how writers always say they cannot not write? I’ve never felt that way so I’ve never felt right calling myself a writer. If I’m driven to do anything, it’s to create not write. But I knew I wanted to be a part of bringing a book to life so I figured that left me in the editing chair. Of course my elaborate dreams of being an editor mostly consisted of imagining how I’d decorate my office with framed quotes. Ha. To this day I find cut out quotes shoved into folders and journals. Most of which can now be found tacked to a bulletin board in my current office. At least one portion of my editor dream survived?
There’re more. Too many really. Does every kid dream about being a veterinarian? Or is that just my family? Every one of my nieces have cycled through that stage at least once. What about a teacher? My friend’s daughter loves to play Teacher and Student. And she’s MEAN! But having a teacher for a mother and enlisting my help in grading homework and tests for her killed that desire quickly. Turns out I don’t care for the actual work a teacher has to do.
The thing is… I’m still searching. What I wouldn’t give to have one thing I knew I could do well. I envy those who have that. If only I had gotten into event planning before it became the “in” thing to do. Or any of the other things I’ve flirted with over the years. Not that I don’t enjoy what I do, I’m just not as passionate about it anymore. It goes back to that drive to create. There’s not a lot of creation going on in my job right now so I have to seek it out elsewhere. It’s why I enjoy making my cakes so much. Or why I’ve got so many blogs that they’re getting hard to juggle. But these are just temporary solutions to a problem that’s not going to get better until I finally figure out what I want to be when I grow up.
Alyssa on 08 Feb 2010 at 9:17 am #
I’m at the point where I need to decide what I want to major in in college, and, honestly, I cannot decide. For Christmas I got the 2010 Book of Majors, and I have my choices narrowed down to 21 different majors. I just wish there was something I was really passionate about and really wanted to do for the rest of my life. The only “what I want to do for the rest of my life” phases I’ve gone through have been doctor and teacher. I would still love to be a teacher, but I’m one of those people who is smart and gets everything but can’t teach it, like, I just can’t explain the way my brain works which is very sad for me. But basically, I love to plan the future and know what’s going to happen and not knowing what I want to do with the rest of my life is not condusive to my mental health. Loved this post, Rae
Carol35uk on 08 Feb 2010 at 3:23 pm #
I really empathise with this post Rae. I class myself as a “Jill of all trades and master of none” and find myself envying folk who just KNOW what they want to do but at the same time I pity them as they aren’t happy unless they’re doing it.
Kyle on 08 Feb 2010 at 4:31 pm #
Great post Rae–I’ve been working at the same company for the past 13.5 years–ever since college graduation. While I still find the field I’m in somewhat interesting, I do get that lack of passion at times (especially lately).
You should try to give Bronwen a run for her money on Food Network Challenge 
If I could pick any field and be sure I could make a living, it would have to be TV. I’ve always been fascinated by the behind the scenes of the TV/movie industry and would love to get involved in that somehow. Whenever I read the TV blogs, listen to the TV podcasts, etc. it sparks that interest even more. When I hear of the set visits and things you bloggers get to do, it makes me so jealous!
By the way, your cakes look great. I bake deserts only at the holidays, but they look nothing like that. I thought FEMA was going to have to be called to rescue this past year’s Christmas cake–it had a bit of a landslide issue.
k8hinote on 08 Feb 2010 at 5:51 pm #
I love this post Rae and I know exactly how you feel. I also wanted to be a veterinarian when I was a little one. I never thought I’d end up a legal secretary, but that’s where life took me. My story is too boring to get into, but that was definitely not what I wanted to be when I grew up. A rock star? Sure. How about a flight attendant? You betcha! There were many things on my list before secretary.
I’m most envious of people that can truly say they love their jobs. If you like what you do at all really, then I envy you. Good luck on your quest! You’ll get there.
Catherine on 09 Feb 2010 at 6:12 pm #
I totally agree with the other ones posting before me. I can understand what you are going through even though I don’t have that much experience with jobs, yet. (Just graduated college…)
I never really knew what I would like to be when I grow up. Many people thought that I would become a teacher like my dad. But I have seen what is going through with his students sometimes and for a long time I had problems talking in front of many people. So, not the best conditions.
When I was a child I loved to play hotel manager. I don’t know why, but perhaps all those vacations we went on shaped me a little bit… And I loved to send my sister to all bedrooms treating her like a maid and having her make the beds… She broke her toe once because of that (fell of the bed or something).
And now.. I studied Online Media and now I am a generalist for all kind of media stuff.. I could work for a TV production firm or a advertising agency. I should know how to code, so I could become a software engineer (forget about that, I will never do that…). But I guess I’m going to look for something with Marketing, which is again such a general topic. Actually I don’t really know what I want to do. I guess, I’m afraid to commit to something for the next years.
Rae on 10 Feb 2010 at 6:58 pm #
@Alyssa: HAHAHA. 21 majors. Well, can you try a few classes in a couple different fields? See if any of them lights a spark in you. I thought I wanted computer science and creative writing in college. I ended up in a technical writing class and it was like the perfect combo of the two. Hopefully you’ll stumble upon something that you’re passionate about!
@Carol35UK: Right there with you. That’s often how I feel too.
@Kyle: I’m in the same situation. I did switch departments a few years ago and that helped for a little while. The other department was burning me out with my workload but the new department is almost having the opposite effect. Either way, there’s a lack of creativity in my work because of the type of sponsors we get. I really want that creativity. Altho, the other aspect that has me thinking about things is that I’ve kind of hit the ceiling and have to face that there may be no place to grow here.
I’m obviously attracted to the TV industry as well but I dunno if I’d survive it. But I’m drawn to any kind of story creation.
And thanks! Haha, does it help to know I have my fair of landslides as well. They just don’t get put online for everyone to see.
I don’t think I can compete with the Challenge folks, tho, as I hate working with fondant. I still think there should be a Food Network (or TLC) cake show called “Cakes You Can Make” for the regular joe with hints and things to create great cakes easily.
Rae on 10 Feb 2010 at 7:05 pm #
@K8HINOTE: I guess most of us can’t see where we’ll end up. Ooh, flight attendant always sounds great to me but, as I’ve gotten older, I have more and more trouble with flying. (Well, more the landing than the flying itself.) I dunno if I could cut it as a flight attendant for that reason.
I have loved my job in the past. I want to get back there because, if I’m gonna spend all day doing something, I want it to be something I love.
@Catherine: Sometimes it can be scariest right after college. I ended up where I am because I didn’t want to commit either… of course that kinda committed me in another way.
Good luck figuring out exactly where it is you want to go from here! (Buffy shoutout.)